Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
