what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Randomize
