so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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