i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
