The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
