Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
