I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
