I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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