The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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