I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you will always have a special place in my vag
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
