she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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