The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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