I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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