i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
