My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
