She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
