ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
