I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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