were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
