my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
