you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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