Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
someone threw a dead crab at me
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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