I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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