Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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