god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
