Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
