quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
