I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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