After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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