saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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