when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
