end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
