We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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