My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
