Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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