Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
