Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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