i wish semen tasted like chocolate
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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