you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
