I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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