did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
