she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
