Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
