She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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