Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
