I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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