I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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