I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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