you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
