have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
