just tell him i said nine months
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have fence marks all over my body
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
